If you’ve spent any time exploring BDSM, you’ve probably come across the terms “Dom” and “sub.” Short for “Dominant” and “submissive,” these roles are all about power exchange: One person consensually takes the lead, while the other consensually gives up some degree of control. Beyond that, though, there’s a lot of room for interpretation.“In a D/s dynamic, one partner (the Dominant) assumes control and authority over the other partner (the submissive) within agreed-upon boundaries and with the consent of all parties involved,” explains clinical psychologist and certified sexologist Denise Renye.
And while that might sound fairly straightforward, there’s no single way a Dom/sub dynamic has to look—or even a single way to be a Dom or a sub.For some people, the appeal is sexual. For others, it’s the thrill of giving up control or being the person trusted enough to take it. And for plenty of people, it’s some combination of the above. That’s part of what makes D/s such a big umbrella: The roles themselves, the amount of power being exchanged, and what everyone actually wants to do with said power are ultimately up to the people involved.So whether you’re interested in exploring a D/s relationship yourself, already know which side of the slash you prefer, or simply want to understand what all the hype is about, here’s what you need to know.What Is a Dom?
A Dom is short for Dominant, aka the person who takes on the position of control or authority during a consensual BDSM scenario. A Dom might derive pleasure from controlling their submissive partner’s climax through forced orgasms, ruined orgasms, or orgasm denial. Other activities might include using a remote-controlled sex toy on their submissive partner or face-sitting (also called queening).
Of course, being the one in control also comes with some serious responsibility. “It’s important to note that being a dom(me) involves an immense amount of responsibility, respect, and communication to create a safe and fulfilling experience for all parties involved,” Renye says.What Is a Sub?A sub is short for submissive, aka the person who takes on the submissive role during a consensual BDSM scenario.
You’ll also often see “Dom” capitalized and “sub” lowercase, a convention used in some BDSM communities to visually reflect the power dynamic between the roles. That doesn’t mean they’re passive or powerless, though. A submissive still has agency throughout the scene and gets to decide what they are—and absolutely are not—comfortable with.Subs may enjoy the thrill of being under their partner’s command, finding pleasure in things like being called names, disciplined, spanked, or forced to orgasm at the hands of their Dom (or through a remote-controlled vibrator).“
Submissives have the agency to set limits, express preferences, and communicate their desires to their dominant partners,” says Renye. “They actively guide the direction of scenes, choosing what activities they are comfortable with and what they wish to explore. Subs hold the power to stop or modify activities at any time by employing safe words or non-verbal cues, ensuring their physical and emotional well-being are prioritized.”
And, importantly, Dom and sub aren't necessarily fixed identities. Someone who enjoys taking on both Dominant and submissive roles is known as a “switch,” and they might switch roles depending on the partner, scene, or simply what they’re in the mood for.What Is the Appeal of the Dom/sub Dynamic?The Dom/sub dynamic is ultimately about the giving and receiving of power, which can offer a way to explore everything from fantasy and sexual expression to trust and vulnerability.
“The submissive partner gives up control and trusts the dominant partner to take care of them, while the Dominant partner takes on the responsibility of leading and guiding the submissive partner,” explains kink instructor and sex expert Julieta Chiara. For some people, that exchange of power can be just as pleasurable as anything physically happening during a scene.And there are plenty of reasons someone might be drawn to it.
Celina Criss, PhD, a certified sex coach specializing in BDSM and GSRD, tells Cosmo that consensual D/s relationships can offer opportunities to explore things like control, surrender, service, routine, specific roles, or hierarchy.None of this means the submissive person is actually giving up their autonomy. “Some people mistakenly believe that those who engage in power exchange dynamics lack autonomy or agency, when in fact, individuals in these relationships actively negotiate and navigate their roles, maintaining control over their own experiences,” Renye says.And while D/s can certainly be sexual, it doesn’t have to be.
“There's a misconception that power exchange dynamics are always sexual in nature, whereas they can encompass a wide range of activities and dynamics beyond sexual intimacy, such as service-oriented relationships or psychological domination,” Renye says. Ultimately, the power exchange itself can be the thing that makes the dynamic feel satisfying, intimate, or just really freaking hot.Types of Dom/sub Relationships24/7While it’s important to understand that not all D/s relationships are 24/7, some are.
That means pretty much what it sounds like. Within 24/7 relationships, the Dominant and the submissive have negotiated and agreed that they’ll maintain some version of these roles outside of individual scenes, not just during kinky play. It's not unusual for a 24/7 submissive to wear a collar indicating the role they’ve consensually taken on.CNCCNC, or consensual non-consent, may sound a little scary, and it’s def not for everyone.
That said, the key word here is consensual. CNC is a type of D/s role-play in which all parties, after careful discussion and negotiation, agree to act out a scene involving faux “non-consensual” activities. This may include rape fantasies, but it’s important to note that rape play and CNC are not interchangeable, and not all CNC involves a rape scene.Daddy/babygirlA type of caregiving relationship, the daddy/babygirl dynamic involves a lot of nurturing and can absolutely be sexy, too.
And if you like to be wined, dined, and pampered, you’re allowed to add a little “sugar” to the daddy dynamic and make sure that they're taking care of you in all of the ways.DD/lgDD/lg is an acronym for “Daddy Dom/little girl.” It’s similar in some ways to the Daddy/babygirl dynamic but features an element of age play, in which consenting adults take on roles associated with different ages.
It’s “a common type of BDSM play where the dominant partner (referred to as ‘Daddy’) takes on a nurturing and guiding role, while the submissive partner (referred to as ‘little girl’) takes on a more childlike, submissive demeanor and relies on the Daddy for care and guidance,” Chiara previously told Cosmo.Female-Led RelationshipsDaddies don't always run the show, and “daddy” can even be gender-neutral.
In female-led D/s dynamics, there’s an ongoing relationship in which a woman takes on the Dominant role, often with a submissive male partner. Of course, D/s roles aren't inherently tied to gender or sexual orientation, and men certainly aren't always Doms any more than women are always subs.Training RelationshipsIn training dynamics, one partner acts as the Dominant and teacher while the submissive takes on a learning/student role.
This setup still involves a distinct power hierarchy, but emphasizes a learning or training program, providing an erotic power exchange plus a crash course in kink.KeyholdersKeyholding dynamics typically involve chastity play. In such relationships, one partner wears a chastity device, like a belt or cock cage, while the other controls access—either by physically holding the key or determining when the device can be removed.
This control can also show up in ways that don't involve chastity devices, such as the Dominant deciding when their submissive is allowed to touch themselves, come, or have sex. This type of D/s play can involve a profound level of trust and power exchange between partners.Types of D/s ScenesA classic D/s bondage sceneThe Dom may restrain or direct the submissive through activities like punishment, bondage, or sensory play.A caretaking sceneThe Dom takes on a nurturing or caregiving role with the sub.
In some caretaking dynamics, particularly those involving age play, the sub may be called a “little.”A Dom/brat sceneThe sub is a “brat” and purposely “disobeys” or challenges the Dom as part of their agreed-upon dynamic.A Master/pet sceneHere, the Dom takes on the role of pet owner while the sub takes on the role of pet.Tips for Having a Healthy Dom/Sub Relationship1. Always discuss limits and expectations beforehandThere should always be an understanding that this is a consensual dynamic and that, no matter what role each person is playing, everyone has the right to stop at any time if they become uncomfortable.
Even if the submissive is playing submissive, they should always be able to pull the plug. Likewise for a Dom! Just because they’ve agreed to be the Dom in a scenario doesn’t mean they have to do anything they’re uncomfortable with, either.2. Define what BDSM and D/s roles look like for youOnly you and your play partners can define what BDSM looks like for you. While it can be easy to model your own BDSM play off of others’ experiences, clinical sexologist Ness Cooper explains that it’s crucial to explore and express what BDSM means and looks like to you and your partner(s), rather than trying to follow someone else’s script.This, friends, takes time and patience.
Start exploring online. Look for BDSM classes. This way, you can come to the play with a better understanding of how you’d like to co-create your scene with your partner. Don’t be afraid to get creative. Kink is about breaking open the box, not fitting inside of it.3. Have a safe word (or two)Many people use a word for “yellow,” which means “I’m approaching my limit—let’s pause and back off a little,” and a word for “red,” which means hard stop, no questions asked.4.
Practice aftercare when the sex is overAftercare is a common BDSM practice that helps partners come down from a scene and tend to each other’s physical and emotional needs afterward. What that looks like depends on the people involved and might include reassurance, cuddling, talking about the scene, getting a glass of water, or simply having some quiet time together.As Angela Watson, a clinical social worker and sex therapist who runs DoctorClimax, previously explained to Cosmopolitan, “Aftercare is all about reestablishing the dynamic that was [consensually] exploited during [kinky] sex.”
5. Check in regularlyIf you’re playing with Dom/sub roles, have ongoing check-ins with your partner(s) to make sure everyone is still on the same page and engaging in the play they actually want to engage in. People change their minds, boundaries shift, and something you wanted to explore six months ago might not be something you want now. Continuing to check in over the course of your relationship is a crucial part of maintaining safe, consensual play for everyone involved.
