There is an old piece of advice that sounds simple but becomes more meaningful with age: “Never marry alone.”
It does not mean your friends or family should choose your spouse for you. You are the one who will live in the marriage, so the final decision must remain yours. It simply means that before making one of the biggest decisions of your life, you should allow a few people who genuinely know and care about you to meet the person you intend to marry.
Love can make you overlook things that an outsider notices immediately. A close friend may recognise your partner from somewhere, know something about their background, notice an inconsistency in their story, or simply observe a behaviour you have become too emotionally attached to notice. Their information may turn out to be wrong, but that is not a reason to ignore every warning. Listen, investigate and then decide.
Consider a simple example. A man meets a woman while travelling, spends a relatively short period getting to know her, becomes convinced that she is the person he wants to marry and begins planning the wedding. His friends eventually meet her and one of them says, “I know this woman from somewhere.”
Another person in the circle has information about her previous lifestyle that the man never knew. The man now has an opportunity to ask questions and establish what is true before getting married. Without those conversations, he might have entered the marriage believing he knew everything important about the person he was marrying.
There was a man who married a former prostitute all because he saw her only through his lens. This is not about prostitutes, hotels or women. The important lesson is what happens when someone makes a major life decision with insufficient information.
The problem is not where you met someone. The problem is deciding that you know someone well enough for marriage when you have not taken the time to find out.
If you meet someone and quickly decide that you want to marry them, slow down. Learn about their values, finances, family relationships, friendships, temperament, faith, attitude toward work, approach to conflict, expectations about marriage, views about children, responsibility, sexual boundaries and the kind of life they actually want to build.
You should also understand their important past, not because everyone needs a spotless history, but because you deserve to know information that could materially affect the marriage.
A simple example is finances. Two people can be deeply in love and still have completely different attitudes toward money. One believes most of the income should be saved and invested. The other believes money is meant to be enjoyed immediately. Neither person necessarily has bad character, but discovering this after marriage can create serious conflict. The same applies to children, religion, family obligations, career ambitions, fidelity, where to live and how disagreements should be handled. Compatibility is not simply about enjoying each other's company.
However, do not turn your friends into a marriage approval committee. Some friends have excellent judgment, while others are jealous, immature, controlling or simply terrible at relationships. Their opinions should be considered according to their character, their knowledge of the situation and the quality of the evidence they provide.
There is also a difference between a warning and a rumour. If someone says, “I know something about your partner,” do not immediately believe them and do not immediately attack them for saying it.
Ask what they actually know. Look for evidence. Give your partner an opportunity to explain. Serious allegations require more than gossip before you make a life changing decision.
The same principle applies to family. Your parents and siblings may know you better than anyone, but they can also have their own biases. Listen to them without surrendering your judgment.
The objective is not to find people who will make the decision for you. The objective is to expose your decision to perspectives you may not have considered.
The biggest mistake is not listening to friends. The biggest mistake is refusing to think for yourself.
Listen to people who genuinely care about you. Take credible concerns seriously. Investigate before reacting. Give your partner a fair opportunity to explain. Then make your own decision.
Your friends should not choose your spouse. Your family should not choose your spouse.
But you should not be so carried away by love that you become unwilling to hear anything that challenges your perception of the person you are about to marry.
Marriage is too important to be based only on chemistry and what you currently see.
Know the person. Know the important parts of their past. Understand what they want from marriage. Meet the people who know them. Let the people who know you meet them too.
