My Friend Is Looking For A Virgin Girl In Lagos

Before I start, this writer has no intention of triggering anyone. This story is just a crazy personal experience that I find amusing.

I tried to matchmake two friends of two very good friends. It was just a random idea which I found exciting. Everything appeared smooth on both sides. Both parties seemed to be ticking the boxes for each other. I felt proud of myself. I was like: “What an ingenious idea from me!”

I wanted my male friend to be in the driver’s seat, so I privately encouraged him to be intentional about her, which he agreed to. He said he was ready to get married next year. Wow! Nice plan, in my opinion. But something awkward happened. The caveat was that he wanted to get married to a virgin. This friend of mine is far above 30 and has the highest level of education. He is very brilliant. I thought my ears were deceiving me, or perhaps it was a random joke. I ignored it.

As someone with a background in psychology who has also worked in a psychiatric hospital, I have heard too many ridiculous things in my life. The Britons have one working strategy for managing situations like this: once they hear something unusual, they play it down and refuse to feed into it. They redirect the person away from that kind of fantasy. That strategy failed me.

My friend kept insisting on marrying a virgin. At this point, I had to ask him if he was mad or probably smoking something. He said no. He asked me to confirm with the lady. To me, that was a very awkward question to ask a woman, especially in this age of high body counts.

I was like: “Where are you going to find a virgin girl in Lagos?”

He sharply replied that his friend found one in Ibadan and his sister married a virgin. I was getting frustrated, so I asked if he was a virgin, and he said no.

He was like: “I am a man now. What do you expect?”

At this point, I was so pissed. I advised him to extend his search to the northern part of Nigeria, focusing on the rural areas. He might even have to reduce the minimum age to a barely legal level. Looking for a virgin girl in Lagos is almost as hard as seeing a whale in a local river.

Ever since the Buhari administration, during which the Nigerian economy hit rock bottom, many young girls have supposedly adopted the “Cookie Monetisation Policy” — CMP — which, in my ridiculous imagination, has eroded all forms of virginity in the two “sim slots.”

Nobody talks about virginity anymore. Even in the villages, the story is supposedly the same. I used to have a female friend who almost lost it the day we accidentally discussed the issue of body counts. It was a taboo. Perhaps my friend is simply looking for something that has become increasingly difficult to find. Or maybe he needs to adjust his expectations.

Personally, I feel he might benefit from some serious counselling for embarking on a virgin-hunting mission in Lagos. Then again, probably I am the one who has a problem here. You never can tell.