This topic is hardly discussed, but gradually, social media users are creating awareness about it through memes and jokes. Before people get married, their sex life is usually explosive. It is as if an elderly white witch with one eye and one leg has cast a spell on them. The bed will be shaking like it has got Parkinson's disease. At some point, the couple might even fear for their lives. It is as if one party might pass out.
But as soon as marriage happens and they start living together, lovemaking, sex or whatever name you give to it starts to slow down. If you can manage it two or three times a week, then your marriage is doing great. Most people just do it once a week, twice a month, once in a while, or sometimes nothing at all, especially if you have a wife who easily closes her legs in protest against a wrong move from you.
Research has also found that sexual activity tends to decline as relationships become longer and couples move through different stages of life.
The first few years of marriage are often described as the "honeymoon period", when the man goes in, guns blazing, and blows up the entire place like President Trump. After that, things begin to slow down. Sex can even become boring. The style mostly remains missionary, kisses might not be exchanged as frequently, and it begins to look like a small ritual the married couple needs to perform to keep the marriage moving forward.
But why is this so? Let's look at some of the reasons.
- Bad habits
Some men with high body counts are already used to sleeping with different kinds of women. Part of what they enjoy about sex is the excitement of variety and the experience of being with someone new. So, when they become married and are expected to sleep with the same woman over and over again, the excitement may gradually disappear.
This is not true of every man, but familiarity can certainly change the way some people experience sexual excitement.
- Routine
The zeal to impress is usually very high when you are dating a woman. There is anticipation and unpredictability, and that can make romance exciting. It is like exploring a new, sophisticated car. You notice every little detail and appreciate the element of surprise.
But after marriage, the same person who once dressed up for a romantic date may now be sitting beside you in old pyjamas, discussing electricity bills.
When partners transition from romantic dates to sharing utility bills, chores, mortgages and other responsibilities, the relationship can start to feel more like a roommate arrangement or a business partnership than a passionate romance.
- Life stress
Many young people see marriage mainly from the perspective of love. But love is only one part of it.
Marriage can be expensive and hectic. Balancing careers, household responsibilities, social obligations, rising bills and, especially, raising children can create a serious shortage of time and energy.
By the time the children are asleep and the bills have been paid, one partner may simply want to sleep.
Stress can affect mood, sexual desire and, in men, even erections. It is difficult to feel sexy when your mind is occupied with rent, school fees, work deadlines and the next problem waiting around the corner.
- Unresolved conflicts
Some women are like activists and investigators. They want to get to the root of every matter, no matter how much chaos it causes. Some men, on the other hand, struggle with this approach. Instead of resolving the disagreement, they withdraw.
But unresolved arguments do not simply disappear because the couple eventually goes to bed. Resentment can affect emotional closeness, and emotional distance can eventually affect sexual desire.
The same thing can happen in reverse. A man who constantly ignores his wife's emotional needs may eventually discover that she no longer feels emotionally connected enough to desire intimacy with him.
- Biological and health factors
There are also physical reasons why sexual activity can decline. Natural hormonal changes, ageing, certain medications, including some antidepressants, and health conditions can all affect libido and sexual performance.
The problem is that couples do not always talk about these changes openly. One partner may think the other has simply lost interest, while the real problem could be stress, medication, hormones or an underlying health issue. If these changes are ignored for long enough, physical intimacy can quietly disappear from the relationship.
While a decline in sexual frequency during major life transitions is normal, a complete disappearance of intimacy may be a sign that something else needs attention. Perhaps the real problem is not that marriage kills sex. Perhaps marriage simply removes the excitement of the chase and exposes everything else that was hiding underneath it.
When you were dating, you had to create time to see each other. You dressed up. You planned dates. You missed each other. You had something to look forward to. Marriage changes all of that.
